It is with a heavy and broken heart (yes, both—imagine a massive boulder, pounded into bits of sand, then put in very large plastic bags and doused with water, rendering the bag so heavy that if you try to lift one, the plastic just stretches and tears—that heavy), that I am forced to concede, nay, withdraw, my potential nomination for a possible Head of the CDCbroken_heart.jpg post in a fantasy comedic Dave Barry presidential campaign. Sigh. It’s true, I was not tapped for the position. We here at Doc Gurley are such rabid Dave Barry groupies that a curt, snarky, even vicious (although it would certainly have been funny), refusal would have been better than the (choke, sob) absolute silence we received. Begging was an option, but it’s hard to cling tenaciously to the trouser-leg of someone’s Dockers from across the Internet tubes. However, it is a New Year! And we each have a New Leaf, waiting to be turned over. So while we here at Doc Gurley may be slightly twisted when it comes to Dave Barry (in a fixated, restraining order kind of way), we are also, if nothing else, perky and resilient–two traits that will stand you in good stead when it comes to your health (especially if you leave out the delusional part)! So here I present for my legions of loyal readers (yes, all three of you), the Doc Gurley List of Universal Truths Learned from Approaching a Comedic Genius About a Non-existent Potential Healthcare Position in a Future Fantasy Administration. Study these truths. Use them. Charge into your future, armed with insights gleaned from the heartbreak and plucky determination of others:

1) If you are in a situation where having your-people-contact-their-people is the norm (such as when approaching a celebrity comic genius, or, conversely, when filing a lawsuit against your insurance company for denying you a chest-hair transplant), make sure first that you have people. We here at the Doc Gurley empire are limping along with unpaid staff that consist solely of two surly teenage offspring and a husband who gives both a huffy breath AND an eyeroll whenever the name “Dave Barry” is mentioned by his otherwise adoring wife.

2) If you are looking to make a significant change in your life (such as when deciding your New Year’s resolutions, or applying for a role in a candidate-in-waiting’s imaginary administration) be sure to spell out the advantages if you achieve your goal. For example, I should have mentioned that I could bring to the CDC something that is clearly, sorely lacking in that institution: a wacky sense of humor. Those guys and gals who work in the Lethal Outbreak Containment Unit haven’t, in over a decade, even cracked a smile as they parachute into a ravaged village. What kind of grim global tone does that set?

3) If you are so desperate that you are willing to offer a bribe, be sure and do a better job than I did. If you lose your insurance and are forced to barter with your local grasping Scrooge of a doctor for a visit, learn from my mistakes and try to offer something the recipient might actually want–if you have it, cash being the universal currency. Don’t, for example, offer a Park Avenue plastic surgeon a live pig and a jar of homemade gooseberry jam in exchange for a bit of liposuction. On my part, dangling an old appendix as a lure to Dave Barry in exchange for the prominent Head of CDC position was clearly stupid. I should have gone with the pancreas.

4) Finally, despite the setbacks, remember your own worth. Even if, as you discuss your life’s secret dreams, your 13-year-old unpaid staffer flops, exhausted and embarrassed, onto the sofa while saying “you are sooo pathetic,” take heart. Hmmm, I wonder if the job of fantasy Surgeon General is still open…

Have a happy, healthy and plucky New Year’s,

Doc Gurley

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